My Sad Attempt at Humor
by Amber4
Summary: I think the title says it all. Don't say I didn't warn you...


A/N: Welcome to my only and only piece of humor fiction! I'm in the middle of writing two serious stories and felt...well...tired of it. So, this popped out of me. Feel free to flame, I certainly would if I were a reviewer! 

Disclaimer #1: Nothing in this belongs to me (well, maybe the purple cow!). It all belongs to J.K. Rowling, who is neither god nor goddess, but a simple mortal. May we all follow her example. 

Disclaimer #2: If I don't own anything by Rowling, I most certainly don't own anything by Shakespeare. 

Disclaimer #3: This disclaimer almost is never used and begged on its hands and knees to be written; say hi to Disclaimer #3! 

"My Sad Attempt at Humor" 

Harry opened his emerald eyes and blinked them in amazement at what he saw. 

He was standing in a strange, gray world. Curling tongues of mist were everywhere. He couldn't see anything else but the mist and the gray. 

"Hullo?" called Harry out into the mist, unsure. "Is anyone there?" 

*Hullo* 

Harry jumped in surprise and whirled around. He saw a girl. She had shoulder length brown hair and looked to be about twenty. However, her eyes were a strange milky white. And her fingers were held out before her and kept moving, as if they were typing on a keyboard or typewriter. 

"Um, did you just say 'Hullo'?" Harry asked cautiously, taking a nervous step forward. 

*Yes* Harry noticed with fascination that the girl's mouth did not move at all. *How are you doing, Harry?* 

"Fine," Harry said automatically without thinking. He hesitated a moment and then said "Who are you?" 

*Name's Amber* 

"Ah." Harry looked at the strange girl not knowing what to make of her. "How are you talking without moving your mouth?" 

*Well, you see, I'm not really here. This is just a manifestation of me. You're really just hearing my thoughts. Hence no need for a moving mouth* 

"Ah," said Harry again. _She's nutters,_ he thought to himself. 

*I am NOT nutters* 

Harry stared at her. "You can hear what I think?" 

The voice harrumphed. *Of course I can! In fact, I'm controlling what you think* 

"Right. Sure. Nice to meet you. I'm leaving now." Shaking his head, Harry turned around and started off in the opposite direction of the strange girl through the gray mist. 

*Um, sorry, we're not done with this conversation* 

And suddenly, there was the girl in front of him. Harry stopped short in complete surprise. 

*Listen, I need your help. You see, I'm writing this fanfic. And I'm trying to make it funny. The problem is, I have no sense of humor* 

"Well, that really is a problem. But I can't help you Amber who thinks she's a manifestation. I don't even know what 'fanfic' is!" 

The girl's still lips turned up into a smile. *This is a fanfic. Right here, right now. 'Fanfic' is short for fanfiction. It's when a story is written utilizing another author's world* 

"Er, that's very nice. I'm glad you think so. But you're wrong, this is just a dream or something." 

The girl's smile grew wider. *Hey, thanks! You just gave me a great transition from here to the actual story* 

Harry sighed. "Listen, Amber manifestation, I'm not in a story. I'm just asleep and having some really weird dreams. _You're_ in a story in _my_ head!" 

*Oh, really* The voice sounded very amused. The fingers held out before the girl never stopped moving. *Well, then, prove it. Make something strange happen. If it's your dream, you should be able to do anything* 

"Right then, I will!" Screwing his face in concentration, Harry tried to will his best friend Ron there. 

After a silent minute, nothing happened. *Well, that certainly was a good try. Points for effort. How about I go next?* 

Out of the mist, a cow appeared. A great, big, purple cow. The cow looked up into Harry's startled face. 

"Moo?" it asked. 

*Hm, that might not be enough to convince you* 

Ron suddenly appeared on the cow's back. He was dressed Tom Sawyer style, in ragged overalls and a straw hat on his head. A corncob pipe was stuck in his mouth. Harry and Ron looked at each other for a second and then Ron removed the pipe. "Hey, Harry, why do you have a stuffed chicken on your head?" 

And there was. Harry snatched the chicken off and threw it to the ground. It promptly turned into a real chicken and began to run around in circles squawking 'Ron Weasley is dead sexy, Ron Weasley is dead sexy'. 

"Hm, I rather like that chicken. Can I hold it?" 

*Of course Ron. No problem* The chicken was suddenly in Ron arms. 

Harry goggled at him. "You know this lunatic?" he said, gesturing at Amber's manifestation. 

"Eh, not really." Ron said, pushing the straw hat up on his head. "But this is some sort of dream sequence right? Fanfiction authors really like them. You get used to them after awhile, although I've never been sitting on a purple cow before." 

"You mean, she's an author?" 

*Sorta* There was a pause and Harry turned to look at Amber. *Er, not really. I'd like to think so. But I write fanfiction to fill up my massive amounts of free time. Specifically, Harry Potter fanfiction. That's why you're here right now. I'm trying desperately to write a funny fanfic about you but am having lots of trouble. I was hoping that if I talked to you, I might get some ideas. Or at least running gags to use throughout the story. How about you saying the word 'Malfoy is hot' every time you hear the word 'Pickle'?* 

"Malfoy is hot. Hey, stop that!" Harry turned back to Ron to find that he and the cow were gone. "Hey, where'd he go?" 

*No more use for him. You believe me* 

Harry sighed and sat down in the mist, defeated. "Well, what's the title of this…this fanfic you're trying to write?" 

*My Sad Attempt at Humor* 

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Just a little depressing, don't you say?" 

The Amber manifestation shrugged. *Hey, I don't want to lead people astray. This way, they know exactly what they're getting* 

"Can I go back to my world, now?" 

*But you haven't given me any ideas!* 

"Well, I don't have any! Just let me go!" 

The tone of the voice turned to grumpy. *Well, it's not my fault what's going to happen in the story then* 

"Fine. I don't care. I want to wake up!" 

Harry woke up. 

His eyes opened and for a moment, he almost saw the strange mist. But it faded and Harry sat up quickly in his bed, in the Gryffindor boy's dormitory. 

"Thank bloody goodness," he murmured as he ran a hand through his hair. "Well, that's over now." 

Harry got out of bed and opened his trunk to find robes for the day. However, instead of the normal black robes, all he could find was bright violet ones. 

"What the..." Harry said, staring into his trunk. Shaking his head in confusion, Harry grabbed one of the robes and pulled it on. He could sort it out later over breakfast. Maybe Hermione knew of a spell to turn the robes back to black. 

Grabbing his wand, Harry sprinted out of the dormitory. He ran through the Gryffindor common room and out into the hallway. 

"Hey, Harry." 

Harry looked up to see Malfoy waiting for him. He was standing in light green robes with lace around the collar, holding a chicken. The chicken stared at him with a funny gleam in its eye. 

"Er, Malfoy, why are you holding a chicken? And why are you talking to me?" 

"Isn't this a splendid day? And silly, I'm talking to you because you're my friends. Friends should be friends, shouldn't they?" 

Before Harry could react to that ridiculous statement, Malfoy freed one of his arms and twined it with Harry's. "C'mon, let's skip to the Great Hall!" 

And they were off, Harry being pulled by Draco. 

When they got to the Great Hall, Harry managed to pull his arm from Draco's. He stopped at the threshold and stared in amazement. It seemed as if someone had decided that it was Valentine's Day. 

The entire place was decorated in red and white. Students were running around, shouting 'Do you love me?' to anything that was standing still. Fluffy white heart-shaped clouds floated everywhere. It looked like something out of the dreams of Gilderoy Lockhart. 

"Okay, this is different," Harry muttered, not knowing quite what to think. 

Before he could decide what to do, Hermione and Ron came running up to him. They were both dressed in matching yellow wizard robes. 

"Hey Harry, guess what, I love Ron!" 

"And I love Hermione more than the stars in the sky, the grass on the ground. She's the cream in my coffee, the Queen in my chess set, the unicorn hair in my wand..." 

Without a further word, Hermione grabbed Ron and they started to snog enthusiastically. 

"Er." Harry stared at his best friends, not knowing quite what was happening. 

*Well, that's going to annoy a lot of H/H shippers* 

"What?" said Harry looking around in confusion. Before he could find out where the familiar voice was coming from, Lavender Brown came galumphing up, her eyes glowing. 

"Harry Potter, will you marry me?" Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him into the Great Hall. "Harry Potter loves me!" she shouted at the top of her voice, throwing her arm around his shoulders. 

"No!" shrieked Hermione, pulling away from Ron who looked most disappointed that the snog session had ended. "No, he's mine! He loves me!" 

Cho suddenly appeared. "Hey, you gits, he loves me. He said so in the fourth book!" 

"Fourth book?" Harry said dazedly. 

"Please, it's so obvious that he loves me," argued Hermione. "I mean, really Cho, you weren't even mentioned until the third book. I'm a main character, though. Of course I should get the hero of the story!" 

"Er, what about me then?" asked Ron plaintively, coming over. 

"Well," said Hermione thinking fast. "You are both my best friends, and really hot, so you both can be my boyfriends. I mean, there's nothing saying that a girl can't have two guys, is there?" 

"Of course there is!" Lavender shrieked. "That means I have no one!" 

Justin Finch-Fletchley appeared at her elbow. He waggled his eyebrows at her. "You can have me, dear Lavey. That'll show anyone who thinks I'm gay because I have a hyphenated name!" 

*Ooo, dear, I think I stole that bit from 'Draco Dexter'* 

"Draco what? Where is that voice coming from?" murmured Harry, pulling away from Lavender's death grip. "Hey, have you all gone nutters? Aren't we supposed to go to class?" 

"Nah," drawled Justin. "We all decided that classes are lame. They're cancelled for the day. We told Dumbledore that we'd rather snog, thank you very much, and he agreed with us." 

As Harry tried to process this, Hermione began to talk fast. "Okay, now we're going to have to switch days. Ron, you're my boyfriend on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Harry, you're my boyfriend on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." 

"What about Sunday?" asked Ron. 

Hermione grinned wickedly. "Well, you two will have to share that day! That won't be a problem, will it?" 

"Hey," piped up Cho. "What about me? You've got two guys, Lavender's got Justin, who do I get?" 

Hermione pursed her lips. "What about Draco Malfoy?" 

"Did someone say 'Malfoy'?" 

Draco was back, complete with chicken, except now he was riding a purple cow. He leered seductively at Cho. "Care for a ride, milady?" 

"Well...I never could turn down a purple cow!" Cho leapt up behind Malfoy and the cow began to gallop around the Great Hall, scattering would-be lovers. 

"I'm so happy, I could sing!" Lavender shrieked at the top of her lungs, her arms around Justin. Immediately, all of the students in the Great Hall stopped what they were doing (except the purple cow; it kept running). Without further ado, they all began to sing. 

"Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,  
Men were deceivers ever,  
One foot in sea, and one on shore,  
To one thing constant never.  
Then sigh not so, but let them go,  
And be you blithe and bonny,  
Converting all your sounds of woe  
Into hey nonny nonny!"  


Everyone promptly dissolved into giggles and began to snog. Harry somehow managed to dodge Hermione so she grabbed Ron. Muttering under his breath, Harry turned and began to run out of the Great Hall. However, just as he got to the threshold, there was a loud pouf of smoke and a female stood before Harry. 

Her flaming red hair was curled, Shirley Temple style. Her eyelids were smeared with purple something and she had on an electric purple miniskirt. A neon green tank top graced the upper part of her body while green stiletto high heels completed the outfit. 

"Oh, Harry," Virginia Weasley said coyly, while fluttering her eyelashes. 

Many thoughts ran through Harry's mind at this sight. The one that jumped out of his mouth was "How did you do that? The pouf-smoke thing?" 

"That? I Apparated. Care for a snog, Honeyscar?" 

"You can't Apparate inside Hogwarts! It says so in 'Hogwarts, A History'!" shrieked Hermione from somewhere in the Great Hall. 

"Well, in that case, I've developed a strange and fascinating new power. Now as for Harry..." Ginny lunged at Harry. He deftly avoided her and she fell onto the floor, overbalanced in the high heels. 

His head spinning, Harry ran out of the Great Hall, out of the castle. It was night, to add more atmosphere and drama. Ignoring the fact that it should be sunny since it was morning, Harry stopped in the big field before Hogwarts and fell to his knees. "STOP!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, his arms held out beseechingly. 

And things did stop. The trees stopped shaking their branches, the stars stopped dancing in the sky. Harry looked furtively over his shoulder to see Ginny stopped in mid-stride. He sighed in relief. 

*Well?* 

"Listen, Amber is it? Please, please, please, PLEASE put things back the way they were. I don't think I can take much more of this!" 

*But I'm not finished yet* The voice had taken a distinctly pouting tone. 

"I don't care! I can't stand it! You obviously cannot write humor. Please, stop writing humor!" 

*Hey, you can't tell me what to do!* 

"No, I can't," Harry said, a sob catching in his throat. "But surely you don't want me unhappy! Surely you're not so cold as that!" Tears began to drip down Harry's face, shining sadly in the frozen moonlight. 

There was a pause. *Oh, dangit, now I've made you cry* Another pause. *I'm going to be lynched by readers for making you cry* A final pause. *Fine, fine, fine. I'll go back to writing serious fiction* 

"You will? You'll put things back to normal?" Harry could hardly believe his ears. 

*Yeah, sure, I'll go back to canon. Not a problem. But are you sure?" 

"Yes, yes, I'm sure!" Harry said frantically, standing up. "Please, just put things back to normal." 

"Alrighty then. Here we go!" 

Harry woke up. 

Shaking off the vestiges of déjà vu, Harry sat up in his bed. It was about two in the morning and all appeared normal. Ron, Neville, Dean, and Seamus were sleeping in their beds. Harry got out of bed and checked in his trunk. All his robes were black. Sighing with relief, Harry crawled back into bed and fell asleep without a second thought. 

* * * *

In the corner of the room, a chicken cracked open an eye. It looked at the sleeping Harry Potter and smirked (if chickens can smirk). "Dead sexy," it muttered before going back to sleep. 

And outside on the Hogwarts lawn, a purple cow looked up from its grazing. 

"Moo?"   
  



End file.
